Peace, Peace Wonderful Peace
Wow, this has been a long time coming. I have felt the Lord calling me to write some sort of blog or encouragement/real life moments for a while now and I have not obeyed. I worry about getting "too vulnerable" or "saying the wrong thing" when in truth all He wants me to do is be obedient. He knows I'm not perfect and my most loving Father still asks me to share. So here I am, about to lay bare before the story of my life. Although it doesn't seem very encouraging at the moment, I pray that you will read this blog as if we were having coffee and I was sharing my heart. That's all I'm here to do!!! Share my deepest joys and pains with HOPE...not hope in myself...I have nothing to give....But hope in the most Mighty Father who only gives good gifts. This week my good gift was NOT "good". You see, I was 20 weeks pregnant with our sweet daughter Emmalyn Joy. She had been growing and developing just perfectly. But for some reason on Sunday night I began to feel uncomfortable. I chalked it up to deep cleaning my house, bathing all my kids and cutting my boys hair while nursing a sick 3 year old with a burning fever. You know, normal life for me. But when I started spotting I got worried and called my midwife. She encouraged me to rest and go for an ultrasound first thing the next morning or head to the ER if things got worse. So I went to lay down and rest, thinking I just over did it. But the next time I got up to go to the bathroom I knew something was wrong. I called my neighbor and dear friend, Rachel to see if she was home and could take me to the hospital. She came immediately. Chen stayed home with the kids because he wouldn't be able to understand if the doctors needed to consult about something if I had complications and wasn't able to speak for myself.
The story is long and one of the worst ones I have ever experienced but, I gave birth to my sweet baby girl at 2:08am Monday morning and she took her first breath in heaven. Safe in the arms of Jesus. No pain or agony that this world brings. But friends, my arms were so empty. My pain was so deep and I felt so alone. My precious friend stayed with me the whole time and I don't know how I would have made it without her. I held my baby until I had to leave the hospital and that was it. Numb doesn't even begin to describe it. They asked me to lay her in the baby cart on a wash rag. It was horrible. It brought back to my mind all the babies I had held as they also went into the arms of Jesus. Except my physical body was strong when I held them. I have had 4 miscarriages previsouly but none even close to this. This was Emmalyn...fingers, toes, arms and legs..tiny baby eyes and ears. This was a loss I never imagined. Why did He tell me to name her "peace". I picked her name Emmalyn because in December the Lord told me I would have a baby girl and her name would mean peace. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed all at the same time. My girls were so thrilled for a sister!!! How can this be peaceful? It's like a bad dream. A nightmare that came true. But somehow I feel such peace. I'm crushed to the core but I can just see her in such peace in heaven. This world is NOT my home and I can't wait for heaven where I will be with ALL my babies. I'm currently broken hearted and crushed. But as my dear friend has been praying over me, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; He gives to all of them their names. Great is the Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure." Psalm 147:3-5.
In the radio broadcast you will hear below, the woman introduces me as having 8 children and number 9 on the way. If you are just now getting to know our story you will understand that our number 9 is now peaceful in the arms of Jesus waiting for our reunion. I'm not going to lie, I can't wait. But until then, I am choosing to find my joy in Him, the only one who I can put my Faith and Trust in. He is the reason I am still here and able to put one foot in front of the other. I will leave you with an old Hymn that keeps coming to my mind, in honor of my daughter who is fully at peace with Jesus....
1 Far away in the depths of my spirit tonight
Rolls a melody sweeter than psalm;
In celestial-like strains it unceasingly falls
O’er my soul like an infinite calm.
Peace! Peace! wonderful peace,
Coming down from the Father above;
Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray,
In fathomless billows of love.
2 What a treasure I have in this wonderful peace,
Buried deep in the heart of my soul;
So secure that no power can mine it away,
While the years of eternity roll. (Refrain)
3 I am resting tonight in this wonderful peace,
Resting sweetly in Jesus’ control;
For I’m kept from all danger by night and by day,
And His glory is flooding my soul. (Refrain)
4 And methinks when I rise to that City of peace,
Where the Author of peace I shall see,
That one strain of the song which the ransomed will sing,
In that heavenly kingdom shall be: (Refrain)
5 Ah! soul, are you here without comfort or rest,
Marching down the rough pathway of time?
Make Jesus your friend ere the shadows grow dark;
Oh, accept this sweet peace so sublime. (Refrain)
– W. D. Cornell